I knelt and prayed, tears rolling down my eyes freely. Inside me, I was done with whatever they called it. My mind couldn’t shake off the life I’ve been dealt with as it appeared to me.

These past ten years had flipped by like a coin tossed in the air. I fought back more tears reminiscing all the wrong turns I’ve taken, the detours and roads that shouldn’t have been explored.

Then, I begged him because I knew I had used up my human strength and in the end, nothing worked the way I had wanted.

I was a dreamer and it was just now I began to see how much I had jumped on the train of love-exploration that had gotten my poor innocent heart wrenched and twisted like wet fabrics.

I begged him, I said to him, “I’m done, please Father forbid me to love.” Take this part of me that looks ahead as if anticipating merchant ships from far countries bearing the one true hero worthy of claiming this heart forever.

Father forbid me to have these feelings, take my desires away, forbid me to love. I’m tired, too tired of trying one more time because I’m too broken, so broken my emptiness fills me with joy some days and other days, I look outside the window, hoping there will be one courageous enough to stay and make the difference.

That was before now, I have grown and I have stopped dreaming. So, instead of asking for the right one to show up at my doorstep, I pray, “Father, forbid me to love again,” help me build these walls like a fortified city so that none can ever break in to wrench my heart of the remaining moss of desire and hope and walk away like it means nothing.

Please, take away this natural desire to feel the butterflies amidst twinkling eyes and thumping heartbeats. Only let me feel the God kind of love for another.

For then, no tears will ever drop from these eyes nor stain these plump cheeks. And even if the rest of my days will be spent warming my bare body against the cold of being alone, it is better than living with these tears that choke and a heart, broken time and again.

Please, Father, forbid me to love, for then I can say hello with a kindred spirit and never fear that I’d trip for his charms or bend to my urges because then my heart would only beat for everyone and no one.

Thanks for reading my musings on love and ships. If you are wondering whether what you have read is fiction or fact, I have just the right answer: there is a blurry line between both. I know you loved it, scroll down to leave a comment and also get on my monthly newsletter digest where we talk like family. By the way, love is a beautiful adventure.

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Thoughts

  1. Chioma 09.07.21 at 9:41 am - Reply

    I did wonder if it was fiction of fact😆. I love it!

  • December 22, 2021